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War
Mitch Hedberg
: I love my fed-ex guy cause he's a drug dealer and he don't even know it...and he's always on time.
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Mitch Hedberg quote-I love my fed-ex guy cause he's a drug dealer and he don't...
Wisdom feed seeded by this
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Be First To
Peter Gabriel :
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Don't give up 'cause somewhere there's a place where we belong.
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Angelina Jolie :
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You don't have to be somebody 'cause being someone does not make you anybody anyways.
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P J O Rourke :
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No drug, not even alcohol, causes the fundamental ills of society. If we're looking for the sources of our troubles, we shouldn't test people for drugs, we should test them for stupidity, ignorance, greed and love of power.
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# Drugs
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P J O Rourke :
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Anyway, no drug, not even alcohol, causes the fundamental ills of society. If we're looking for the source of our troubles, we shouldn't test people for drugs, we should test them for stupidity, ignorance, greed and love of power.
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# Drugs
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Theodore Roosevelt :
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No man is worth his salt who is not ready at all times to risk his well-being, to risk his body, to risk his life, in a great cause.
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# Drugs
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Ethan Nadelmann :
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Who are we? We are people who love drugs. They say we like drugs. It's true. Especially marijuana. Marijuana has been good for us. God put it here for a reason and we need to find a way to live with it in peace. But we are also people who hate drugs. We have suffered from overdoses and addiction. But we know that drugs are here to stay, and prohibition and the criminal justice system is not the way to deal with it. And we are people who don't care about drugs. People who care about the Constitution, who care about 2.2 million Americans behind bars, who care about fundamental rights and freedoms.
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Ken Kesey :
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A TV crew came over 10 years or so ago, on the anniversary of the discovery of LSD, and those guys were trying to push me towards saying how bad it was. They wanted me to talk about the dark underbelly of the drug culture. And I said, I'm not going to talk about that because I've never seen it, except in kids doing stuff that I don't know about and I'm not interested in... I've never taken crack and I've never taken ecstasy; none of us has. I don't want to take some strange drug and end up chewing my tongue for 12 hours.
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Jeff Foxworthy :
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A few weeks ago, sitting in traffic -- bumper-to-bumper traffic in Atlanta -- the car in front of me has got a bumper sticker that says "Honk if you love Jesus". I toot the horn a couple times, and the guy flipped me off.
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Eminem :
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Don't do drugs.
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William Ford Gibson :
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When did you ever go to a drug dealer, and the drug dealer said, "you know, you should come back tomorrow, this is not very pure." It doesn't happen.
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Mitch Hedberg Wisdom feed
99
tweets
Mitch Hedberg:
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I like rice. Rice is great when you're hungry and you want 2,000 of something.
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# Fame
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81
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Mitch Hedberg:
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I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too.
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# Drugs
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37
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Mitch Hedberg:
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You know, I'm sick of following my dreams, man. I'm just going to ask where they're going and hook up with 'em later.
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# Dreams
# Opportunity
# Action
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Mitch Hedberg:
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I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it.
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# Prophecy
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Mitch Hedberg:
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I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long.
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# Complaints and Complaining
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Mitch Hedberg:
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I drank some boiling water 'cause I wanted to whistle.
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# Alcohol and Alcoholism
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Mitch Hedberg:
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You know they call corn-on-the-cob "corn-on-the-cob" right? But that's how it comes out of the ground, man. They should call that "corn." They should call every other version "corn-off-the-cob." It's not like if you cut off my arm you would call my arm "Mitch." But then reattach it and call it "Mitch-all-together!"
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3
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Mitch Hedberg:
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My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana, I said "no, but I want a regular banana later, so ... yeah".
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# Voting
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Mitch Hedberg:
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If you have dentures, don't use artificial sweetener, cause you'll get a fake cavity.
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# Risk
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# Comedy and Comedians
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Mitch Hedberg:
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I'm an ice sculptor - last night I made a cube.
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# Money
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![Powerpoint](http://www.iwise.com/downloadPPT.php?quote_id=87311&author=Mitch Hedberg"e=I+love+my+fed-ex+guy+cause+he%27s+a+drug+dealer+and+he+don%27t+even+know+it...and+he%27s+always+on+time.&image=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.iwise.com%2FauthorIcons%2F14122%2FMitch+Hedberg_64x64.png){kind=link}
![Powerpoint](http://www.iwise.com/downloadPPT.php?quote_id=83469&author=Peter Gabriel"e=Don%27t+give+up%0A%27cause+somewhere+there%27s+a+place%0Awhere+we+belong.&image=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.iwise.com%2FauthorIcons%2F1660%2FPeter+Gabriel_64x64.png){kind=link}
![Powerpoint](http://www.iwise.com/downloadPPT.php?quote_id=91072&author=Angelina Jolie"e=You+don%27t+have+to+be+somebody+%27cause+being+someone+does+not+make+you+anybody+anyways.&image=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.iwise.com%2FauthorIcons%2F12584%2FAngelina_Jolie_64x64.png){kind=link}
![Powerpoint](http://www.iwise.com/downloadPPT.php?quote_id=18515&author=P J O Rourke"e=++No+drug%2C+not+even+alcohol%2C+causes+the+fundamental+ills+of+society.+If+we%27re+looking+for+the+sources+of+our+troubles%2C+we+shouldn%27t+test+people+for+drugs%2C+we+should+test+them+for+stupidity%2C+ignorance%2C+greed+and+love+of+power.&image=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.iwise.com%2FauthorIcons%2F2219%2FP++J+O+Rourke_64x64.png){kind=link}
![Powerpoint](http://www.iwise.com/downloadPPT.php?quote_id=18516&author=P J O Rourke"e=++Anyway%2C+no+drug%2C+not+even+alcohol%2C+causes+the+fundamental+ills+of+society.+If+we%27re+looking+for+the+source+of+our+troubles%2C+we+shouldn%27t+test+people+for+drugs%2C+we+should+test+them+for+stupidity%2C+ignorance%2C+greed+and+love+of+power.&image=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.iwise.com%2FauthorIcons%2F2219%2FP++J+O+Rourke_64x64.png){kind=link}
![Powerpoint](http://www.iwise.com/downloadPPT.php?quote_id=32917&author=Theodore Roosevelt"e=++No+man+is+worth+his+salt+who+is+not+ready+at+all+times+to+risk+his+well-being%2C+to+risk+his+body%2C+to+risk+his+life%2C+in+a+great+cause.&image=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.iwise.com%2FauthorIcons%2F399%2FTheodore+Roosevelt_64x64.png){kind=link}
![Powerpoint](http://www.iwise.com/downloadPPT.php?quote_id=101133&author=Ethan Nadelmann"e=Who+are+we%3F+We+are+people+who+love+drugs.+They+say+we+like+drugs.+It%27s+true.+Especially+marijuana.+Marijuana+has+been+good+for+us.+God+put+it+here+for+a+reason+and+we+need+to+find+a+way+to+live+with+it+in+peace.+But+we+are+also+people+who+hate+drugs.+We+have+suffered+from+overdoses+and+addiction.+But+we+know+that+drugs+are+here+to+stay%2C+and+prohibition+and+the+criminal+justice+system+is+not+the+way+to+deal+with+it.+And+we+are+people+who+don%27t+care+about+drugs.+People+who+care+about+the+Constitution%2C+who+care+about+2.2+million+Americans+behind+bars%2C+who+care+about+fundamental+rights+and+freedoms.%0A&image=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.iwise.com%2FauthorIcons%2F14680%2FEthan+Nadelmann_64x64.png){kind=link}
![Powerpoint](http://www.iwise.com/downloadPPT.php?quote_id=92782&author=Ken Kesey"e=A+TV+crew+came+over+10+years+or+so+ago%2C+on+the+anniversary+of+the+discovery+of+LSD%2C+and+those+guys+were+trying+to+push+me+towards+saying+how+bad+it+was.+They+wanted+me+to+talk+about+the+dark+underbelly+of+the+drug+culture.+And+I+said%2C+I%27m+not+going+to+talk+about+that+because+I%27ve+never+seen+it%2C+except+in+kids+doing+stuff+that+I+don%27t+know+about+and+I%27m+not+interested+in...+I%27ve+never+taken+crack+and+I%27ve+never+taken+ecstasy%3B+none+of+us+has.+I+don%27t+want+to+take+some+strange+drug+and+end+up+chewing+my+tongue+for+12+hours.&image=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.iwise.com%2FauthorIcons%2F7194%2FKen_Kesey_64x64.png){kind=link}
![Powerpoint](http://www.iwise.com/downloadPPT.php?quote_id=82847&author=Jeff Foxworthy"e=A+few+weeks+ago%2C+sitting+in+traffic+--+bumper-to-bumper+traffic+in+Atlanta+--+the+car+in+front+of+me+has+got+a+bumper+sticker+that+says+%22Honk+if+you+love+Jesus%22.+I+toot+the+horn+a+couple+times%2C+and+the+guy+flipped+me+off.&image=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.iwise.com%2FauthorIcons%2F4005%2FJeff_Foxworthy_64x64.png){kind=link}
![Powerpoint](http://www.iwise.com/downloadPPT.php?quote_id=81144&author=Eminem"e=Don%27t+do+drugs.%0A&image=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.iwise.com%2FauthorIcons%2F13853%2FEminem+_64x64.png){kind=link}
![Powerpoint](http://www.iwise.com/downloadPPT.php?quote_id=84249&author=William Ford Gibson"e=When+did+you+ever+go+to+a+drug+dealer%2C+and+the+drug+dealer+said%2C+%22you+know%2C+you+should+come+back+tomorrow%2C+this+is+not+very+pure.%22+It+doesn%27t+happen.&image=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.iwise.com%2FauthorIcons%2F13978%2FWilliam+Ford_Gibson_64x64.png){kind=link}
![Powerpoint](http://www.iwise.com/downloadPPT.php?quote_id=87304&author=Mitch Hedberg"e=I+like+rice.+Rice+is+great+when+you%27re+hungry+and+you+want+2%2C000+of+something.&image=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.iwise.com%2FauthorIcons%2F14122%2FMitch+Hedberg_64x64.png){kind=link}
![Powerpoint](http://www.iwise.com/downloadPPT.php?quote_id=87201&author=Mitch Hedberg"e=I+used+to+do+drugs.+I+still+do%2C+but+I+used+to%2C+too.&image=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.iwise.com%2FauthorIcons%2F14122%2FMitch+Hedberg_64x64.png){kind=link}
![Powerpoint](http://www.iwise.com/downloadPPT.php?quote_id=87291&author=Mitch Hedberg"e=You+know%2C+I%27m+sick+of+following+my+dreams%2C+man.+I%27m+just+going+to+ask+where+they%27re+going+and+hook+up+with+%27em+later.&image=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.iwise.com%2FauthorIcons%2F14122%2FMitch+Hedberg_64x64.png){kind=link}
![Powerpoint](http://www.iwise.com/downloadPPT.php?quote_id=87217&author=Mitch Hedberg"e=I%27m+against+picketing%2C+but+I+don%27t+know+how+to+show+it.&image=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.iwise.com%2FauthorIcons%2F14122%2FMitch+Hedberg_64x64.png){kind=link}
![Powerpoint](http://www.iwise.com/downloadPPT.php?quote_id=87218&author=Mitch Hedberg"e=I+haven%27t+slept+for+ten+days%2C+because+that+would+be+too+long.&image=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.iwise.com%2FauthorIcons%2F14122%2FMitch+Hedberg_64x64.png){kind=link}
![Powerpoint](http://www.iwise.com/downloadPPT.php?quote_id=87234&author=Mitch Hedberg"e=I+drank+some+boiling+water+%27cause+I+wanted+to+whistle.&image=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.iwise.com%2FauthorIcons%2F14122%2FMitch+Hedberg_64x64.png){kind=link}
![Powerpoint](http://www.iwise.com/downloadPPT.php?quote_id=87199&author=Mitch Hedberg"e=You+know+they+call+corn-on-the-cob+%22corn-on-the-cob%22+right%3F+But+that%27s+how+it+comes+out+of+the+ground%2C+man.+They+should+call+that+%22corn.%22+They+should+call+every+other+version+%22corn-off-the-cob.%22+It%27s+not+like+if+you+cut+off+my+arm+you+would+call+my+arm+%22Mitch.%22+But+then+reattach+it+and+call+it+%22Mitch-all-together%21%22&image=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.iwise.com%2FauthorIcons%2F14122%2FMitch+Hedberg_64x64.png){kind=link}
![Powerpoint](http://www.iwise.com/downloadPPT.php?quote_id=87205&author=Mitch Hedberg"e=My+friend+asked+me+if+I+wanted+a+frozen+banana%2C+I+said+%22no%2C+but+I+want+a+regular+banana+later%2C+so+...+yeah%22.&image=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.iwise.com%2FauthorIcons%2F14122%2FMitch+Hedberg_64x64.png){kind=link}
![Powerpoint](http://www.iwise.com/downloadPPT.php?quote_id=87246&author=Mitch Hedberg"e=If+you+have+dentures%2C+don%27t+use+artificial+sweetener%2C+cause+you%27ll+get+a+fake+cavity.&image=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.iwise.com%2FauthorIcons%2F14122%2FMitch+Hedberg_64x64.png){kind=link}
![Powerpoint](http://www.iwise.com/downloadPPT.php?quote_id=87244&author=Mitch Hedberg"e=I%27m+an+ice+sculptor+-+last+night+I+made+a+cube.&image=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.iwise.com%2FauthorIcons%2F14122%2FMitch+Hedberg_64x64.png){kind=link}