Chelsea Handler quotes

" There are two kinds of people I don\'t trust: people who don\'t drink and people who collect stickers " # Chelsea Handler # Alcohol and Alcoholism # Kindness

" Obviously, if I was serious about having a relationship with some one long-term, the last people I would introduce him to would be my family. " # Chelsea Handler # Family # Relationships

" I went out with a guy who once told me I didn’t need to drink to make myself more fun to be around. I told him, I’m drinking so that you’re more fun to be around " # Chelsea Handler # Alcohol and Alcoholism # Fun

" My relationship with my father had been on the proverbial fritz since the time I was fifteen and called the police to report him for child molesting. He had never molested me, but I wanted to have a party that weekend and needed him out of the house. " # Chelsea Handler # Politicians and Politics # Relationships

" Hey, if you guys are all here, who\'s working at Best Buy " # Chelsea Handler # Worry # Love

" At some point during almost every romantic comedy, the female lead suddenly trips and falls, stumbling helplessly over something ridiculous like a leaf, and then some Matthew McConaughey type either whips around the corner just in the nick of time to save her or is clumsily pulled down along with her. That event predictably leads to the magical moment of their first kiss. Please. I fall ALL the time. You know who comes and gets me? The bouncer. " # Chelsea Handler # Love # Kisses and Kissing

" According to Life & Style, Lance Armstrong was seen canoodling with fitness model Kim Strother, and the night before, he was with Ashley Olsen. He’s going from bar to bar picking up women—how does he get them home? Does he put them on the handlebars, or does he have a banana seat? " # Chelsea Handler # Home # Style

" Katie Holmes told In Style magazine that Tom’s turned on by the sight of her in a suit and miniskirt. Tom also likes it when Katie wears the monitoring bracelet on her ankle. " # Chelsea Handler # Style # Love

" Lance Bass has a new autobiography titled Out of Sync. We don’t need to read it, we already know how it ends—Justin is really successful, and Lance is gay. " # Chelsea Handler # Autobiography # Books - Reading

" Lindsay Lohan fell in love while in rehab. Who wouldn’t? You share meals together, gaze into each other’s eyes, talk about your feelings and share one romantic sunset after another—for roughly $50,000 a month. Pretty pricey, considering a month of eHarmony.com is only $21. " # Chelsea Handler # Love # Friends and Friendship