Jack Benny quotes

" Give me golf clubs, fresh air and a beautiful partner, and you can keep the clubs and the fresh air. " # Golf

" I don't deserve this award, but I have arthritis, and I don't deserve that, either. " # Confession

" A scout troop consists of twelve little kids dressed like schmucks following a big schmuck dressed like a kid. " # Dissatisfaction # Dress # Children

" It's not so much knowing when to speak, when to pause. " # Speakers and Speaking

" I went to a meeting for premature ejaculators. I left early. " # Cynics and Cynicism

" “Hors D'oeuvre: A ham sandwich cut into forty pieces” " # Food and Eating

" “Gags die, humor doesn't” " # Humor

" Comedy itself is based upon very old principles of which I can readily name seven. They are, in short: the joke, exaggeration, ridicule, ignorance, surprise, the pun, and finally, the comic situation. " # Comedy and Comedians

" I don't want to tell you how much insurance I carry with the Prudential, but all I can say is: when I go, they go too. " # Exaggeration

" My wife Mary and I have been married for forty-seven years and not once have we had an argument serious enough to consider divorce; murder, yes, but divorce, never. " # Marriage