Paul Merton quotes

" "It's silly to make generalisations, but if you talk to anyone in the South for longer than five minutes, they will try to sell you fruit." " # Age and Aging # Friends and Friendship # Time and Time Management

" "If you stay in a house and there is no toilet paper, you can always slide down the bannisters. Don't tell me you haven't tried it." " # Books - Reading # Nations # Appreciation

" "My favourite riposte to a heckle is to say, 'Excuse me, I'm trying to work here. How would you like it if I stood yelling down the alley while you're giving blow jobs to transsexuals?'" " # Women # Love # Excuses

" "That must have been a rough school!" " # Education

" "His name is "Angus". The "G" is silent." " # Silence

" "I think Iran and Iraq had a war simply because their names are so similar. They keep getting each other's post." " # World Affairs # War # Writers and Writing

" "My hair's got a life of its own. Last week I found it in the kitchen, making an omelette." " # Age and Aging # Servants # Friends and Friendship

" "There are various ways to give up smoking — nicotine patches, nicotine gum... my auntie used to pour a gallon of petrol over herself every morning." " # War # Smoking # Love

" "My schooldays were the happiest days of my life, which should give you some indication of the misery I've endured over the past twenty-five years." " # School # Age and Aging # Happiness

" "My aunt died at precisely 10.47am and the old grandfather clock stopped at precisely the same time also. It fell on her." " # Giving # Time and Time Management # Death and Dying