Stephen Colbert quotes

" I give people the truth, unfiltered by rational argument. I call it the "No Fact Zone". Fox News, I hold a copyright on that term. " # Literature # Truth # Hunting

" Such a proud moment of professionalism. You work for years crafting cogent satirical essays and the thing that everybody remembers is me making love to a Chiquita and bursting into laughter. What you can't see off camera is Jon started laughing first. And then I'm weak. As much as I want to make the audience laugh, I really want to make Jon laugh. " # Laughter # Love # Books - Reading

" Before I get started, if anybody needs anything else at their tables, just speak slowly and clearly into your table numbers. Someone from the NSA will be right over with a cocktail. " # Writers and Writing # Love # Age and Aging

" I believe democracy is our greatest export. At least until China figures out a way to stamp it out of plastic for three cents a unit. " # Missionaries # Democracy # Memory

" I believe in America. I believe it exists. My gut tells me I live there. I feel that it extends from the Atlantic to the Pacific, and I strongly believe it has fifty states. And I cannot wait to see how the Washington Post spins that one tomorrow. " # Politics # Age and Aging # America

" That's where the truth lies, right down here in the gut. Do you know you have more nerve endings in your gut than you have in your head? You can look it up. I know some of you are going to say "I did look it up, and that's not true." That's 'cause you looked it up in a book. Next time, look it up in your gut. I did. My gut tells me that's how our nervous system works. " # Love # Books - Reading # Truth

" Somebody pinch me. You know what? I'm a pretty sound sleeper, that may not be enough. Somebody shoot me in the face. Is he really not here tonight? Dammit. " # Doubt # Love # Politics

" I stand by this man. I stand by this man because he stands for things. Not only for things, he stands on things. Things like aircraft carriers and rubble and recently flooded city squares. And that sends a strong message, that no matter what happens to America, she will always rebound - with the most powerfully staged photo ops in the world. " # Language # Cities and City Life # Writers and Writing

" I believe the government that governs best is the government that governs least. And by these standards, we have set up a fabulous government in Iraq. " # World Affairs # Government # Belief

" I've got a theory about how to handle these retired generals causing all this trouble: Don't let them retire! Come on, we've got a stop-loss program; let's use it on these guys. I've seen Zinni and that crowd on Wolf Blitzer. If you're strong enough to go on one of those pundit shows, you're strong enough to stand on a bank of computers and order men into battle. Come on. " # Pundits # Computers # Love